ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

Child rapists tend not to do too particularly well in prison.  Just consider this a friendly warning.


TAURUS (April 20 - May20):

Both of your parents will be killed this month in a robbery homicide. In a  fit of vengeance lasting several years, you will hone your mind and body to become the ultimate crime fighting machine. First night out, you will trip and fall off the side of a tall building and plunge to your death. Way to go Batman.


GEMINI (May 21 - June 20):

Quit fucking with those panda remains! They must be black and decayed by now and the smell must be atrocious.


CANCER (June 21 - July 22):

We get it. We really do. We understand it is getting hot outside as the summer approaches. However, this does not excuse you from immersing yourself a personal casket filled with butter pecan ice cream. You need help my friend.


LEO (July 23 - August 22):

You will take your art in a new direction this month. Throwing aside any notion of taste, you will begin producing fan art of a pornographic nature. The most hardcore, filthy shit only the most demented psychotic could possibly look at without gagging. Good job bro!


VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

Semi automatic weapons. A dollar store. Leonard Nimoy. Long Beach. A carton of takeout Hunan beef. Somehow, all these things figure prominently into your future this month.


LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

Your plan to sell Ben & Jerry‘s your ice cream flavor “rum and cigarettes“ will fail once again. Let us think about this for a second and ponder where this plan failed.


SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

I see a dark spot in your future. This isn’t some vague notion. Seriously, clean your fucking shorts once in awhile and quit shitting in them.


SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21):

Has anyone ever told you that you resemble a famous Hollywood actor/actor/actress or supermodel. They must have been blind as a bat.


CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

The stars see nothing in your future this month for you. Wow, even a shitty horoscope would be better than this. Sorry dude, I don’t know what to tell you.


AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

Learning what to say and when to say it can be crucial in an individual’s life. For example, you will want to practice the following phrases very carefully, “Are you a cop?”, “s/he told me s/he was legal”,  and “honestly, I do not know how that got in there!”


PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

You are pretty much fucked no matter what.